Day 23rd..

it's been almost a month.. tears starts to dry up... it's been so long.. and i realised it's not me all the while... you've changed to someone i never know.. maybe you didn't realise... i used to blame myself for everything.. but everything you did were so wrong... i hate you as much as i miss you.. i want to forget you... those memories we had were just your play.. you never cherished those moments like you used to say... that day when we hugged and cried because we don't want us to leave each other's side forever.. those tears that i could see in your eyes... the heart beat that i could feel.. we didn't want to let each other go... i thought it was real... but no.. i don't know why did you have to to this... i guess you have already forgot about this relationship we had.. you had already forgotten about me...

21 days...

i don't wanna love you, but i do... its another night, i look at the clock and it's midnight.. i see the phone lying next to me and i keep mindlessly picking up that phone... i try to stop my hand but i can't.. its like a habit that is deep within me that has no rhyme or reason...

i don't wanna go back to you, don't wanna see you... now i really hate you.. it's so tough... i don't wanna love you but i love you.. i don't wanna hang on to you, don't wanna hold you... i wanna forget everything.. i wanna erase it all... i don't wanna miss you but I miss you..

we tried to break up a number of times.. we decided to a number of times but we keep coming back to this place... why does my love for you still linger? and why do i know we shouldn't do this? if we know then why? i don't know why in the world i do that... why can't i seem to leave you even though i'm in pain each day? i know that in the end i'll be hugging you... everyday the scar gets deeper.. time may go on but it will just get harder...

From...

sweet loving start... to loving moments.. to enemy... to strangers..

Day 19th...

i hate you so much more than you hate me... i hate you for asking me to love you more in the first place.. i could have done my work... i could have hung out with my friends.. i could have spend time with you... but no.. you wanted me to spend most of my time with you... i did.. even when i'm working, i gave you calls... i wanted you to know i'm always thinking of you, that you are always on my mind.. i spent lesser times with my friends because i'm afraid to disappoint you... i wanted to make more time for you, to show you how much i care for you.. all the small things i've done for you may not be significant to you, but all my insignificants are out for you... but you never feel it's enough.. i know you cared for me too and did things to make both of us happy... but do you still care anymore..? it's over... i hate to go to places we been.. i went to town for a walk and all i can see is our faded memories... i hate to be at home because all i see is you around.. your toothbrush... your make-up remover... your slippers.. i hate to see it everytime i'm at home... i started to hang out at places i never liked to go.. i picked up drinking which i never like... but at least it would make me sleep better at night now.. i know im useless for a guy... i could have accomplish so much things but i gave it up because of you.. and now i'm just a useless one to you...

why did you ask me to love you with all my heart.. and one day walk out of my life without a single word to say to me anymore... i've said words i shouldn't say.. i shouldn't have pushed you off the ground... i didn't mean it.. everything was just too sudden that everything happened.. we exchanged words out of anger... but no.. till now you are still the same...

Move On.

trying hard to move on... very hard.. somehow i think of you too much... that everynight i dreamt about us.. didn't get to sleep well last night and had a cold sweat in the middle of the night... i woke up and you are gone.. i know no matter what i say, no matter what i do it will still be the same... i started to stop everything.. i stop giving you calls... stop giving you messages.. why? because i don't want to hear those voices anymore... it's not because i stop loving you.. it's to prevent me from hurting myself again and again... i know it's not from your heart.. blame me naive or stupid... i still don't believe.. but at the same time, i'm afraid if i stop finding you, your feelings will fade for me as time passes by... but if you really love me too, there will be one day we will be together.. i think.... but come to think again, you said your heart had stopped beating for me long ago.. is that true... is that really true.. i'm having headaches again...

Day 17th..

let me go back to your side again... i hate those cold words that arent even from your heart.. give me that smile you gave me the first time we met... look at me again, forgive me because i cant say anything to you.. i'll stay by your side for you, i wont make you cry... this i promise you.. once, just once know my heart hurting... my heart that goes toward you, that loves you i cant be happy without you.. you don't have to be alone... just know my love for you.. i fell in love with you without realizing it... I didnt know, i forgot that you'd be hurt.. but my heart not once left your side... believe my words... please, i love you so much.. i never loved someone else... i never didnt have your love... i never thought of loving another person..

i hated myself even more for miserably thinking... that after i woke up from this sleep, that you'd come back.. now I made a promise that i wont keep... to forget everything about you.. in the memories, i am getting more and more weary... come back to me if you're not too far, if you still love me... i am still waiting for you right here.. If you already forgot about me, i'll wait a little more so i can hate myself more...

its been such a long time since you've left.. i forgot everything including our loving memories... But i dont know why theses tears are falling.. i walk down the street where we used to go... am I having a hard time again? i say to myself, that i can laugh it all off.. i kept telling myself that I dont have even one memory of you left... its really late, you already left.. but i cant forget you... i believed that i forgot you.. but really, i believed that you'd surely come back... maybe i have to hate you and miss you till the end.. when you left I had a harder time... please come back to me baby.. if you remember me again, if you come back to me again... i am always here in this place waiting.. you're the only girl that makes my heart beats faster, and slower... both at the same time..

I'd Rather..

you used to send me this song... and we felt it's so true..

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace youwe got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo... who holds my heart

new chapter...

this new chapter i have for further road down seems so unclear... i felt so bad after i called you.. the voices are still the same... everything was just repeating over and over again.. it felt like i dont know you anymore...

went out late last night with a friend for a drink.. poured all the unpleasant feelings i have inside of me once more... he's one of my best friend i have and also a very good mentor to me.. maybe because we have so many things in common... gave me advice and reasoning.. i felt much better... and these words made me go thinking.. "if both of you are meant for each other, she will come back... someday.." after having a good talk we went back in... drank a little more and got dizzy.. but i like this feeling so i can sleep better at night...

and as i thought i would feel much better after yesterday.. reality strikes back right after i woke up... i've been dreaming of us every night.. it felt so real and that's the only time we can be "together"... but i hate these dreams.. everytime i wake up from it, my heart hurts...

baby.. all i want to say is no matter what happens that beats me right down... i still love you.. i'm not crazy but i have strong feelings for us... promise me if one day you ever felt like you want this relationship back.. please give me a call... i'll wait for that one day.. but if you found someone you love whole heartedly... god please keep it from me..

Everyday..

it's been so long.. since we seperated... that fight we had never came across my mind that it will really happened.. it happened... it's me.. it's all my fault... i shouldn't had said harsh words.. knowing that day by day your love for me starts to fade, it hurts me so... this is the fact, the reality.. but i chose to believe my heart over my head... the love i have for you is so strong i swear i would never let go.. i try to be strong, but in front of you i'm just a weakling boy... i know what you need is a man that could be there for you when you need him.. someone that can be sensitive towards your feelings... all these that i'm not fit into..

we do things that i've never done before with others.. we used to find good food around places... we used to go for steamboat.. we went to sentosa, we had a great day... we shopped for furnitures in Ikea.. we went shopping... you always bullied me when we were outside.. trying to get me irritated... pinch me punch me play around with me and those were our happy times.. we would tell each other how much we miss each other when we didn't get to see each other for days... we would hug each other so tight, it felt you and I didn't want to let go forever.. every kiss on the cheek meant everything... it felt like we were so much in love.. we would get our groceries together, and you would cook for me dinner... there was once when you had to finish your work late in the evening, and had to rush down just to cook dinner for me.. that felt great...

but everything is gone now.. you had started to get away from me... i can't accept the fact.. i really can't... my immaturity, my attitude, my temper that got me into losing you.. the most wonderful girl i could ever ask for, i'm losing her... each and everyday.. since the first day we broke up, i yearn for your call... your messages.. but none came anymore... all i could hear was silence.. there were so much silence outside of me, but so much voices inside... i prayed everyday for hope.. for chances... yes i know i'm stupid and crazy.. because im so in love with you... i'm so afraid of nights.. it's the time where imaginary thoughts, hopeless thoughts all came into my mind... i don't want to disappear in your memories.. i don't want to be a stranger in your eyes... i'm just so emotionally attached to you.. and it's killing me on the inside right now...