life is pretty much the same.. repeating the same things everyday... nearly got into a fight in camp.. at that point of time, i was thinking that i could bring a 78kg guy down on the ground and about to pop his shoulder out before he taps during training.. this guy is nothing to me, was about to go swinging at him but things came into my mind... all the training i had and all the while pushing myself over my limit.. is it worth to bring in to a street fight and so what if i beat the shit out of him? will i gain anything? get charged, confine? and all the while about telling myself to control my temper which made me lost something that was so important to me, it's time that i test myself whether how much can i control in a situation like this.. so, i smiled, turned around and took deep breathes... after awhile, the guy came and apologised to me for being in the wrong.. and yeah, why make enemies when you can make friends?

and my ankle has still been hurting.. its been 3 weeks already since the time when i grappled after training... got caught in a footlock but i just didnt wanna tap out and managed to get my foot out, i felt a little pain on my ankle but the impact caused my ankle to swell x3 of my normal size in the middle of the night... didnt thought it would be that serious so just rub it myself with medicated oil and it worked.. swell subside... and thinking that it would heal itself, the pain is still there for 3 fucking solid weeks which restricted my movement.. went to see a sinseh today and he said i tore my ligament and i needed acupuncture... and my face went " WHAT THE FUCK?!".. i even asked can i dont poke needles on my body! LOL. ok.. i hate needles and he's going to poke make of it onto my leg and hand... well it's my first time doing it, but it was actually ok.. phew!

NIGHTS OUT.

been having quite a few nights out these few days.. just go back home wash and iron clothes since dad's went overseas... and then? strength conditioning, cardio and Muay Thai. what other people do and what i do is so different.. suddenly i started to think about my life... what do people do on their weekends or on their free time? go out with friends, go clubbing, meet girlfriend, go town.. me on weekends? book out, back home, pack my gears and head to gym... what i have been doing all along is training and training and training.. and the time i go out has been lesser and lesser and lesser...  sometimes i just feel like i have no life.. seriously... that i brought up this matter to my buddies.. and one of them told me that everyone has been doing the same routine over and over again... it's just that everyone are doing different things..

changing to another camp on thursday and the time that i get to book out will be lesser due to course training.. and it last for 2 months... WHAT THE FUCK. there's a MMA competition on Jan '09.. i really wish to join man...

haven't been feeling good since last week.. everything is falling apart... suddenly i feel my dreams, my hopes and my goals everything vanished.. had been having different dreams every night, but with the same person over and over again... just when i thought everything was going to be fine, once i open my eyes reality strikes back.. and foreseeing the life i'm gonna lead the rest of my 2 years, lesser training... means lesser fights, means bad body condition.. wouldn't be able to reach out to the people i wanted to talk to all along... there's been so much stress in me that sometimes i wouldn't know what to do...

have set my mind that i'm not going to get a degree related to what i've studied after ord.. after 3 months training in Thailand, i will be taking sports science... which is what i'm more interested in.. what i want to be in the future? people may say i'm stupid or i have no future... but my dream is to be a close combat sports instructor and go for competitions.. this is the dream i wanted all along...

DEPRESSION.

things may not go the way i hope for.. back to that life and not able to train to fight has mentally pulling me down... i need someone to talk to..